There was something about the way he.....

There was something about the way he stood there. Tall and strong and watching me. He looked so alone and so in need of love and care. There was something about the way he said Hi, I'm Josh, nice to meet you" that made me feel noticed and not so alone. He came towards me and asked for me to walk with him. We walked, and talked of ourselves, where we are from and where we live, where we want to go, and who we want to be. I knew instantly I wanted to share my life with him, every minute, every detail. He was handsome, with beautiful eyes. He was intense, sexy and alive, yet quiet and refined. I saw in him the things I wished I could be. It was on that walk I realized many things. I realized I could be safe, protected, and loved. That maybe I was worth something, and not completely alone. I had found someone to whom I wasn't invisible, and that was a rare find. I hardly said a word, because I am so shy, but he knew me so quickly, he understood me completely. He loved me too, from the moment we met. Since that day the struggles have piled up greatly. But I still love him more than a person could imagine, I'd be nothing without him. He is my husband, the love of my life. He is the best daddy, best lover, best person I know. Everyday I remember that day we first met, when all of my problems melted away. Why did it have to get rough on the way? If only it was always perfect, just like that day. I loved him then, and now, and forever. I couldn't live without him by my side. To think I did almost lose him haunts me all day and night. He will get better and so will I. We will both have the life we saw on that day. Full of love and laughter from us and the kids. He will smile and the world will light up. My prince charming will love me for the good and the bad and all that I am.

I Believe...

I believe that every single thing a person does in life is a choice, excuses should not be made for a person’s decisions.

I believe in not apologizing for something unless you intend to not do it again. Actions speak louder than words.

I believe in God and that He has given me great joys in life and has held me and comforted me in times of darkness.

I believe that playing with your kids is more important than anything else you could possibly have to do on any given day. Parenting should be the job that you put the most the most effort into.

I believe that integrity is the most important value a person should have. Without integrity and honesty a person has nothing.

I believe that abortion is wrong and that only God should decide who lives and who does not.

I know that I am a ninja, a real one.

The world would come crashing down without polka dots and glitter.

I believe that my dishes are not clean unless I wash them 3 times before running them through the dishwasher twice. I am not sure if this is a belief or my OCD but either way my family says it is outrageous.

I cannot believe the way people act and the epic moral downfall that has occurred in society.

I do not believe that dinosaurs ever existed.

I do not judge people. It is not my place and for me to judge them it is just as bad and harmful as what they are doing wrong. Time is too precious to waste on hate, jealousy, and envy, which is where most judgment comes from.

I always go the extra mile and give whatever I am doing my best, even if I don’t want to be doing it. I do everything with joy in my heart. If I do something, I do it right. Why waste time doing something if I don’t do it well. Doing your best should be a trademark.

I try to make a difference in at least one person’s life every day. It can be a compliment to a stranger or a random act of kindness for someone I know, just a smile or even a gift. One of the biggest rewards in life comes from giving yourself to others. Life isn’t meant to be selfish.

Every day is an opportunity to better myself. I am constantly trying new things and to improve my attitudes, my health, and my reactions to things. Even things that don’t need to be changed can be improved and I do it now because today will never happen again.

As a writer I want to learn from my mistakes. Failing at something doesn’t make you a failure.

When writing I want to not overlook the beauty of small moments. Taking the time to see things and write about them no matter how small they are can be huge.

I would never be unforgiving. I don’t hold grudges and I believe forgiveness is more for me than for the person who hurt me.

I would never go bungee jumping or do anything more than 3 feet off of the ground, and that is for sure.

There are very few things I would not do.

The Epic Camping Trip!

I am going to begin with the texts that I sent my mom throughout the weekend while we were camping. We borrowed my parents' pop-up camp trailer and communicated with them while we were up there. After the text transcripts I will explain some other things that were not mentioned in the texts. I hope that you will a. feel sorry for me after reading and b. laugh about our adventure. And I hope it isn't too long and that you don't get bored! One reason I want to write it is so that we can have all of the details of the memories later. Here it goes! (The reason the texts I sent are typed up is because my mom thought they were hilarious and sent them to a couple family memmbers...so the "comments" are hers and the sentences in quotation marks are what I texted)
DAY 1:
>
> “Hey! Did you send
> the camera with Josh? Can’t find it.”
>
> “Mercy passed out on ground by campfire ring – she’s exhausted!” (turns out she took a 5 minute cat nap. Figures.)
>
> “Aaaaaaaannnnndddd we just had our first face-plant and
> busted lip of the day.”
>
> “Mercy is pretty bloody and swollen but its all good now –
> cleaned up.”
>
> “Is there enough propane for me to cook dinner AND use the
> heater?”
>
> “Dude! This stove
> works better than my one at home!”
>
> “Josh has bloody nose from handle on hand pump. But we are having fun!”
>
> DAY 2:
>
> “Don’t worry about going by our house to feed the dogs – we have
> to run down the mountain into town for a few things.”
>
>(MOM: "What do you need in town?")
>
> “A. Pillows cuz my
> neck has never hurt so bad
> B. Drugs for Mercy
> C. Steaks cuz after last night we deserve more than
> hot dogs for dinner tonite
> D. More ice for cooler
>
>(My Mom then asked what we need drugs for...if Mercy's mouth was that bad)
>
> “NO! Shes not in
> pain!!!! She wouldnt sleep! We got 2 hours sleep MAYBE collectively
> lol! Josh busted nose doing better. Also I got pretty burned yesterday, didnt
> realize we were closer to the sun up here, need sunscreen
>
> “We are still having lots of fun, tho’. Going to hike to the spring after we get >back from town.”
>
> Awhile Later....
>
> “Hey where IS the spring??? You said it was about 1/2 mile???
> We got to sign that says Black Mountain 7 miles. We passed sign that sez 3/4
> mile back to campground awhile ago Mercy freaking cuz of bugs and weeds.”
>
>(To which my mom replied that we had clearly gone way to far)
>
> “Keep thinkin’: STEAK
> tonite!”
>
>"Still can't find spring"
>
>(So my mom calls and says that the spring probably no longer exists, that it was almost dried up last time they were there which who knows how long it had been since they were last there...)
>
> “Can’t find spring – but found a bunch of stinky sheep and some
> smelly water that Mercy wants to play in because we have promised her water. Mercy happy now cuz she sees the sheep. Its all good now. And we passed a man on a horse too! He let her pet his horse.”
>
> (Then I see a suspicious looking bug on Mercy's shirt and again text my mom)
>
> “Hey are ticks an issue here?”
>
>(She says we won't get sick(well thats good news) but that we should strip and check for them when we get back to camp,....if we make it back to camp...but yet they aren't an issue???? Hmmmmm....)
>
> “Back in camp. 3 miles with a 2 year old and 5 month old, and
> no artesian spring. I have blisters on my feet – forgot my tennies”
>
>(Well that was fun. Then she asked if we were going to bed early from sheer exauhstion, we must not forget that we didn't sleep at all the night before and went on a 3 mile hike for something that didn't exist)
>
> “Pretty sure Mercy has the only vote that counts and im pretty sure shes leaning towards late night/all night party again.”
>
>(I will be sure to talk about the rest of the evening later)
>
>DAY 3
>
> “Hey how long does it take to clean up and get the trailer all back down again? We arent staying long today.”
(We had planned to stay until late afternoon originally)
>
> “ We slept a little more last nite… Mercy only woke up at 12,
> 1, 3 and 5 for an hour at a time. Then she got up for good at 6:30.”
>
>“We still having fun. ( Fun or not thats what I say because it was so sweet of my mom to let us use their camper I fear saying anything different) "Taking walk before we come down mountain.”
>
> “While we take walk we are airing tent trailer out.”
>
>(We set up trailer on our own and took it down on our own but were unsure of what all needed to be done to complete the take down once down at their house...Did we need to set it back up etc???
>
> “U won’t be at the house when we come back???” (note desperation in the tone)
>
So, they were home when we got done and because we (and when I say we I mean ME...) had taken it down well and cleaned it so good we didnt have to set it back up...THANK GOODNESS!
Let me begin by saying we had intended to read, play board games, maybe do some school work. In general have a GREAT time. Well we figure GENEROUSLY that we had about 60% fun and 40% miserable-ness. HAHAHAHA We laugh about it now. The first and most important thing you must know is that Mercy is TERRIFIED of anything that flies, particularly bugs, but birds too. (One time this summer she was playing in the car while I cleaned it out and a "tweet tweet" flew in and attacked her, clearly she will never be the same) When she sees a bug within a 2 foot radius of her she screams "buttafly" (obviously not knowing the difference between a sweet butterfly, pesky fly, or wasp etc) and cries until it is gone.) AND she HATES flowers, weeds, grass, or anything like that that touches her. She has always disliked those things but it seems to get worse. She acts like a pretty flower in the wild or just in my parents garden is a deadly poisonous snake. SO what are there tons of in the mountains when your camping???? BUGS, BIRDS, FLOWERS, and WEEDS. AWESOME.
Mercy loves to play in water, whether its the pool, or a creek, or just a bucket of water. We were at Freeman RESORVOIR where, according to the name, one should be able to play in it. HOWEVER, I couldn't really let my baby play in the LEECH infested water. (As humourous as it would have been and tempting it was). Which is why we went looking for the spring that didn't exist. All weekend I promised my child water to play in. On our hike we did pass some people on horses and Mercy got to pet them. She loved that. And while searching for the spring we came across some sheep. Mercy loved that as well! She "baaaa-ed" to them!
Total we managed to play a half a board game, read a few sentences in a book, and sit peacefully for maybe 20 minutes TOTAL. The 3 mile hiking trip was definately the worst. Both kids cried the entire time. It was hot. I had blisters. We were sweating. Never again will that happen. Here is something funny...you know that Mercy didn't want to sleep, and I had been telling my mom that the whole time we were there. Well on Sunday night my parents came up to roast marshmallows with us and shortly after they came Mercy fell asleep on my moms lap. After awhile my mom and I decided to try to put her in the camper...I told my mom she would wake up and that it was a waste of time. Well thank you, Mercy, for making me look like a liar. She did stay asleep for a bit. And when my parents left to go home, my mom gave us hope and said "Since Mercy has stayed asleep this long, I bet you will get to sleep tonight!" Boy was she wrong. Shortly after they left she woke up. Good and refreshed for another night of no sleep. But she was still exhausted so it wasn't a fun night. It was a night of drifting off filled with sobs and whining. Mercy would wake up Gracie, Gracie would wake up Mercy...It was a vicious cycle. One person in the family slept wonderfully. That would be my wonderful husband. He could sleep through a train hitting him. He slept through it all both night actually. Of course he complained in the mornings saying "Oh, I woke up a couple times, I didn't sleep completely through the night, Im tired too" Poo on him. What he means is he maybe rolled over a few times, didn't open his eyes, didn't here the kids" Even though I attempted to wake him up...because if I am going to suffer he will suffer with me. But I wasn't successful. Because he would just roll over and stay asleep.

Did I mention that it was cold? I could see my breath in the mornings. That just added to our fun! When we went to town we went to Wal-Mart to try to find some things to entertain Mercy for the rest of the trip. We got water-guns, playdough, and markers. They kept her entertained for maybe 20 minutes total! We had bought her a kitty back-pack and that had kept her more entertained than anything we actually boght to keep her happy.
Oh and the bears!! We didn't see any and I knew we wouldn't...but that didn't stop my paranoid Texas husband from being scared! (My dad over warned him to be careful I think). Bears were almost in every conversation we had..."better wipe Mercy down so she doesn't smell like food" "are you sure Gracie should have a bottle??? Do bears like formula" "If we cook the trailer will smell like food" "do bears like diapers" and so on. A couple times Josh said "Oh I'm not scared...I could take on a bear" That made me laugh! He would run and cry and scream if he saw one a mile away! (I'm not being mean to him, by the way, I want to clarify that I love and appreciate him very much. I am just stating the obvoius...I would be scared too!)

On our bug and weed infested hike we did find a stream to play in for about 3 minutes. The bugs were even worse there but at least Mercy finally got to put her feet in the water!

As for injuries sustained over the weekend, they definately weren't as bad as they could have been. Shortly after we got camp set up Mercy tripped on a rock and face planted on a pretty good. She got a busted lip that swelled up and a bloody nose (and had several bloody noses the rest of the weekend) That was a great start to her weekend! I don't think she has ever fallen that hard!

Later in the afternoon we went to the water pump where Josh was seeing how fast he could pump the water out. He got it going pretty fast and then his hand slipped off and he punched himself in the nose really hard. He had a bad bloody nose for about a half hour and his lip also swelled up. I was sure that the way things were going Grace and I would end up getting hurt by the end of the weekend but luckily we didn't! Grace got a nice little tan through the sunscreen, and that was the extent of her unfortunate events. I got a few good blisters on the hike and a good sunburn (as mentioned before we were closer to the sun in the mountains...I never burn). Oh and I burnt my finger in the campfire somehow.
This camping trip was quite and experience. It really was alot of fun...just not the exact fun that we had planned to have. It definately could have been more enjoyable, but its not at all possible that it could have been more eventful. We are just now getting caught back up on sleep! We just can't wait to go camping again next year! But we have definately had enough camping for this year! We enjoyed our time as a family (minus the fighting and foul language that we used at times to express frustration). We loved sitting around the campfire looking at the moon and the beautiful stars. It was a pretty good experience!

3 Months Later

It has been 3 months exactly since my last post! I have been so crazy busy I have not had time for anything, even though I had really hoped to keep up with my blog a little better! Even though I started school yesterday I am hoping now that the summer is coming to an end maybe things will slow down a bit! Both of the kids have grown so much over the summer! Grace just turned 5 months already and Mercy is almost 2 1/2! Wow. Time flies! I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer off school and I have enjoyed every minute with my family! Words cannot express the joy I feel being a mom and wife!

Mercy had grown up more than I could have imagined this summer! She talks in sentences and I can have pretty good conversations with her! She helps with Gracie (She throws her diapers away etc) and is just the biggest blessing a mom could ask for! Of course we have our issues with 2 year old attitudes and tantrums, but we work through them. I learned over the summer that discipline will help her as she gets older and she has responded well and is learning that being a good girl is easier for everyone!
Gracie has also been so much fun this summer! It was really hard when she was sick for so long but she is developing fast now! She laughs and smiles so much and looks more and more like Josh everyday! She enjoys her baths and loves "chillin" with Daddy and loves to follow Mercy around with her eyes! Just the day before yesterday she actually started jumping in her jumpy! She smiles while she jumps and she makes so many sounds now. Before she cries she "yells" at us, she screeches, and yells when she is happy! She gets chubbier everyday and I think she could live off the chubbiness in her cheeks for weeks! I remember being so scared when she was sick and now seeing her healthy and happy and developing like she could is such a blessing! One sad things is that I never recovered from losing my milk from the birth control pills, and I couldn't stay on Reglin to keep the milk back forever. So we slowly weened off of breast feeding and to the bottle. Though i am sad, I am so thankful that I was able to nurse her for as long as i did. I was never able to with Mercy. And nursing, even though it didn't last as long as i wished it could have, was wonderful, and i learned for the next baby that birth control pills are a complete no-no!


Our summer adventures have included time at the wave pool and there Mercy finally goes under water! She blows bubbles and became more and more independent everytime we went! Even Gracie enjoyed a dip a few hot summer days! It was alot of fun! My mom usually went and spent time with Gracie while I enjoyed some one on one time with Mercy! We have gone to the creek on my parents property and Mercy loved it even more than the pool! I guess kids are always game for getting dirty! We went camping 2 times this summer as well and we we able to borrow my mom and dad's pop-up camper which made it a little easier! I am dedicating an entire post to the last 2 night camping trip we just got back from a couple weeks ago. Yes, the camping trip was pretty epic! You will enjoy reading about it! We also enjoyed other things as a family such as the Hot air balloon festival, the BBQ championships, and spending days at home or at the park just being together. We also had tons of fun with my neices...they are growing up so fast also! They LOVED Mercy and Grace and Mercy was pretty obsessed with them as well! It is fun to see them every summer!
It has really been a great summer! I just started school again yesterday and may have bit off more than I can chew! I am taking Astronomy, English Composition 2, another nutrition class, and Business Statistics. It is going to take a big chunk of time out of everyday, but I know I will enjoy it because I always do!

Josh started a good job awhile ago working at Big-O and has really liked it! We are finally caught up on all of the bills. It has taken awhile to get used to because he works 6 days a week every week, so we really treasure the time he is home! He is a wonderful dad! He spends so much time playing with his babies! As he has said numerous times...he likes to play with them because they are like little action figures! That explains alot actually! I have continued my "domestic diva-ness" throughout the summer and have made many homecooked meals and kept the house at a liveable cleanliness! I hope to continue to get better at it! I love my husband and kids so much and it makes me so happy to take care of them and make them happy. It truly fills my cup!
I have also grown alot spiritually and emotionally over the summer. I have learned many lessons through some difficult times. One of the biggest and most important things I have learned is that I am ME! I don't need to do what other people are doing to be better, I don't need to look like other people or dress like other people to be cooler. I don't need friends to be fullfilled. I made some friends and got burned by some. I thought I needed friends to define me, and out of loneliness I allowed people to take advantage of me. After years of feeling alone and out of place I learned that ME is just how I need to be. If that means I have a few healthy friendships thats fine! But at the beginning of summer I did things and went places, and acted a certain way to "fit in" to no avail. I ended up more miserable than I was...UNTIL I realized that I like the way I am. I have integrity, I am loyal in my friendships and faithful to my family, and that is something to be proud of!!! And I am!
Well thats all for now! I am going to try to write in here again at least once a week...I love writing and it helps to keep track of my fast moving life! And tomorrow I will post about our EPIC camping trip! Goodnight!

A Week or Two Full of Adventures

It has been awhile since I last posted. There may be a few "adventures" I have forgotten. However, there are some that are definately stuck in my memory forever. Like taking a 2 month old on oxygen for her RSV check-up, 2 month check-up, and immunizations, along with the 2 year old check-up and immunizations. Both of them hate the Doctor's office, and Mercy usually screams when we pull up to it. This time though she did not. I got lucky. She didn't really mind getting the check-up. The doctors and nurses are really good there about making the kids feel comfortable. But a 2 year old gets bored pretty quick. Especially in a tiny room for over an hour. She gets into the drawers, trashcan, outlets, and eventually realizes she can open the door and RUNS to the front...all while I am holding Grace who is getting poked and prodded and I several times I jumped up to grab Mercy just to realize I am still on a short leash to an oxygen tank. Oh it was fun, kept me busy. However, the shots....you can guess how that went...6 shots, 2 screaming kids, only 2 arms, one who can escape. Yeah. Definately needed back-up. I'm pretty sure my mom will plan to be out of town next time too, and my husband will "not be able to get the day off" for sure. We did survive and recover though. Gracie is doing so much better. She is still a little wheezy and stuffed up at night, but definately conquered that stupid RSV. Homecare came and checked her yesterday and released her from oxygen even at night. That is a big relief...and I am finally getting sleep again!

I am on a quest to lose all of the baby weight (from both kids) and its going rather well. I weigh less now than I have since highschool! My mom the drill sergeant has me walking with her when we have time (well when I have time because she ALWAYS has time to walk for exercise). I also got a treadmill to use when I can't go out for a walk so I never have an excuse not to keep up on it. I'm still not really drinking soda (occassionally I do) and I am working really hard on not overeating or snacking. I would like to develop some better eating habits as a good example for my kids because I really don't need them to be incredibly unhealthy like me.

Another adventure: the adventure of losing my milk and trying to get it back. Pretty simple. I don't need to share much. Birth control pills = Hungry baby = stop taking them = Reglin and lots of pumping = slowly getting it back. Now that Gracie isn't sick she is super active and is eating tons more so we are supplementing with formula when we need to which is once or twice a day, but I don't mind as long as I can still nurse her some. She is starting to smile at me! I love it! She was sick for so long she seemed like she was a little behind, but she has definately caught up in the last few days! She is an early bird (unlike Mercy was) and she smiles all morning at everything I say and do! I am taking pictures of her to share! I love both of my babies so much!

Fence adventure: I was so tired of poor Daisy being on a chain and Mercy running to the road and never really being able to go outside and play. We built a pretty good looking fence for them. We still need another 15 feet of fence because the dog can jump the concrete wall, but its all working for now. And Mercy can come and go outside as she pleases. It makes all of us alot happier! While we were building the fence a dog showed up. She looks like chow and lab, shes black, and she is super friendly. She loves Mercy and she decided to stay. She can jump the fence but she hasn't left. Some neighbors moved out and left her. So I think we may keep her. It makes Daisy happy to have a friend, shes good with the kids, more housebroke than Daisy, and keeps Mercy entertained. While there are negatives to having another dog, (pointed out by my mom) there are positives too. So if she gets claimed, she will go, if not, she will stay. I had an opportunity to get another cat, but did not...so See? I can make wise choices lol.

I took Mercy to the wave pool yesterday for the first time this year. She LOVED it! My mom came and spent some time with Gracie, while I had the best time with my lovey in the water. I think she is part fish! She threw the biggest tantrum I have had yet to see when it was time to go. The pool will be frequented by us alot this summer! I love it too! My plan is to find lots of ways to tire out Mercy so I don't kill her this summer (that's a joke, I wouldn't kill her). But keeping her busy is definately going to be a fun challenge. I am loving being a mom to both kids. I thought it would be a lot harder to have two kids, but now that I am getting the hang of it I am LOVING it. I am still keeping the house clean and cooking when Josh comes home at a decent time too! The spare room however...I do not understand how i spent a whole day cleaning it, and its already trashed and full of stuff. We don't even use that room. Never. I am baffled. I guess I'll have to tackle it again. It will keep the trash man busy I guess.

So life is definately going well again. I was getting pretty discouraged with Gracie being so sick, not getting any sleep, not being able to get out and do things, and other things like my elbow being unfixable, but things are getting better. I am learning to deal with things in life and not let them get me down like the usually would. I would like to instill the idea that every little thing that goes wrong is not the end of the world in my kids. Possibly prevent meltdowns now and when they are adults. (Though I still have them)

Did you hear about the Cicada icecream? It was on the news. Pretty disgusting...I think Ill pass. I don't eat bugs, even as a dessert.

Oh, my BBQ adventure! I have only BBQed one other time and nearly burned down our house along with the food. This time was different though. In our 10$ family dollar grill I officially made the best dinner ever...chicken marinated in teriyaki flavoring, not burnt, not yucky. My dad...Mr. Super Griller is even proud of me. I will be making most of our food on the grill this summer because of the heat the oven and stove puts out and our lack of air conditioner.

Well, this is getting pretty long. I had some interesting political things to share like I always do, but Ill probably pass on them, like I always do, so as not to offend anyone or make myself look like an a........ But if you ever need a good conversation or debate or are just curious about my incredible political views and ideas let me know and I shall oblige because I do ALOT of research and have LOTs to share. Someday. Someday I will make a blog just for that and if someone is offended they can just not read it. But I can't do that with this one because I want people to read it. So anyway enough of that. I will just share this. Then I'm done. I promise. I can't resist.

UPS and DOWNS of LIFE

This has definately been a crazy few months. Bedrest, new baby, sick new baby, baby on oxygen, two year old, financial problems, and the list goes on. I decided yesterday when my phone broke, that nothing else to terrible can happen. And once I set my mind to a more optimistic attitude, things began to get a little better. I think. My dad order my new phone (because I was smart enough to get insurance a few months ago) I got a temporary phone until it comes, we got to turn down Gracies oxygen, she seems to be getting better, and my computer which doesn't want to live much longer is in a spot where if I don't move it, will continue to survive for now. Even though I may still be frustrated with life, the discouraging moments are not going to win. I will continue to work on my marriage, my parenting, and most importantly my PATIENCE. There has been a song on K-LOVE that has helped me through this time, and while crying and listening to it many times, I never let it apply to my life or actually believe that blessings could be in hurt and bad things. Now I understand. The song is posted below and if you are going through something painful I hope you will click the link and that it brings you the peace that it brought me eventually! Thanks again to my friends that have been there for me! And thank you to Deb for coming to sit with Gracie today so I can take Mercy to the park. You are all so wonderful...a blessing in my life.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

RSV Adventure

This adventure in motherhood has not been a good one and I am still in the midst of it. It has been scary, frustrating, sad, and horrible. I've never felt so scared as when Grace stops breathing and turns blue. She is so tiny and so frail and this has just been a very terrifying week. Today she seems to be a little better, and last night was pretty peaceful. I am hoping she is beginning to kick this and we can start weaning her off of the oxygen. I love my kids so much and it hurts my heart to see my little one with tubes in her nose and struggling for air. This experience has made me want to keep both of my kids in a bubble to protect them from any germs and sickness. Though I am still exhausted and running on low sleep I got a little more sleep last night while Josh stayed up with Grace. I am sure I could sleep because the nights are getting less eventful and I know I would hear her if she began to choke, but as tired as I am, I cannot bring myself to sleep because I am so scared she might stop breathing and I wouldn't hear her. I am scared of losing her if I sleep. There is no way I could have done this without my friend, Naomi and my mom. They have given and sacrificed to help in any way they can and comforted me and I am eternally grateful and incredibly blessed to have them. I am also thankful for the doctors and nurses and the oxygen company that have given so much of their time to come by and check Gracie at my request and listen to me on the phone. I appreciate the peace of mind they have given me in a time of uncertainty. Mercy has also been so good. I love her so much. She looks and acts so much like me. I love to watch all of the new things she does and says...she is developing and learning so much so quickly! I am so glad I worked so hard the previous weeks getting the house organized. Surprisingly it has stayed somewhat clean during this time! I have straightened it up everyday and kept it clean. I love living in a clean house and keeping it clean is becoming a habit. I never though I would get this far in my organizing and cleaning efforts. I am incredibly tired of the weather, though. The rain, rain, rain, wind, rain, cold...and it gets to me at times. But in moments of depression, I have been able to keep myself occupied with the kids, cleaning, and making a wallet (Which I still need to finish now that things are slowing down). I am also excited because I am getting a treadmill today! One more thing to work on to better my life! I plan to really get in shape! I am hoping that this next week the weather will be good and we can get outside and do somethings if Grace is better. Its yardsale season and I LOVE going to yardsales even if I don't really buy anything or only have a few dollars. But, again, this is all depending on the horrible weather and whether or not it decides Craig, Co has had enough (which I feel we have had enough rain to last YEARS). I would really like to take Mercy to the carnival this weekend to see the lights and everything if Grace is better and of course if its not raining. I think she would enjoy some of the rides and I know she would definately love some cotton candy (IF I decide to share, its my favorite thing EVER!) Well thats about all of my thoughts for the day. Laundry time!